The Fears Return

I last wrote about fear in October when sleepless nights were filled with thoughts of life ending before I was done living.  The ideas I talked about then have done a pretty good job of keeping fears at bay until recently.  I’ve been busy with the holidays, had two major trips, my life has been full.  Now, the holidays are over and I have tests scheduled for tomorrow.  I’m scared of what the results may show.

This is also fueled by the uncertain results from the last PET Scan, the question of whether it showed increased cancer activity vs. scar tissue.  It is also concerning that I’ve had an increase in headaches and other symptoms that could be nothing, or ... 

I got an email today from a friend who also has a checkup coming and feels similar fears, she describes it as “the cloud over my head,” and passes along this advice:  “Don’t let this disease “get you” …. Don’t let it take control…”  It made me feel less alone in my worry, but also raised questions.  So how do we do that?  How do we free ourselves of the overwhelming fears that threaten to consume us?  How do we not let the disease "get us."

Sharing fears with someone does work, I woke Gary up at 2:00 a.m. last week and we talked and I cried as he held me until almost 4:00, it was great comfort.  Meditation helps, diverting attention to “the now” is a key.  But, accepting that this is a scary disease and facing the fear might just be the secret.  What I have found is that knowing that I have the strength to accept whatever happens, that I can make peace with this disease has helped me.  Also, recognizing that fear is what one should be feeling makes it a bit easier to bear.

I’m not about to let it take control.  I continue to do things that I enjoy and spend time with those I love.  I exercise and make healthy choices in what I eat, I challenge my brain.  I choose to have fun in my life wherever I can.  I try not to dwell on the fears, but they are ever present, lurking in the shadows of my consciousness, popping out when I least expect them.  My challenge is to keep them in the shadows, remind myself that none of us knows the future, and keep my focus on enjoying the good things that today brings.  These fears must be acknowledged, but they do not have to control.