Sometimes we’ve held thoughts to be true for decades and suddenly, they no longer make sense. For me, that is the case with anxiety and the spectrum of moods and feelings that I’ve always thought were things over which we had ultimate control.
I worked on a psychiatric unit for over 20 years and was compassionate, loved working with patients from the “worried well” to the actively psychotic. In the role of Occupational Therapy, we led patients to find alternative ways to deal with the issues that brought them to care. We taught relaxation techniques, explored recreational and avocational activities, we led groups to explore more effective communications. All of these, in conjunction with other therapies and medication, had the goal of developing coping skills and helping our patients lead healthier lives.
Now, this is my dirty little secret. I’ve always felt that there was a part of us, as humans, that just needed to “buck up,” to “get over it.” You’re depressed? Well, think about something happy and move on. Anxious? Take a few deep breaths. It always worked for me and I assumed that it was a choice. Well, so much for that!
These past weeks on high doses of steroids have taught me a great deal about those things over which we do not seem to have much control and how significant effort may just scratch the surface. Steroids are a complex and potent drug which, among other things, reduce inflammation. In my case it decreased the swelling in my brain and most certainly saved my life. It also fires up the adrenaline and makes me almost constantly anxious, irritable, keeps me awake at night, gives me heartburn and makes me insatiably hungry. If you ever want to chat at 3:00 a.m., give me a call, I’m probably having a snack.
So, what can one do? For me, I went back to my roots of OT and practiced what I preached starting almost 40 years ago. I bought a stack of relaxation tapes and use them daily and at bedtime. My sister-in-law gave me a wonderful set of Yoga instructions for breathing and a guided DVD (See http://www.sarahspeaks.com/ ) that elicit a relaxation response, I walk and meditate.
It helps. My blood pressure has dropped back to normal (a 20 point drop after using Yogic Breathing!), I feel less anxious and more in control. But it wasn’t enough and this was a huge step for me, sleeping pills are now a part of my routine. I resisted, thinking of addiction and dependence, but 3-4 hours of restless sleep a night was not making sense either. The sleep deprivation was adding to the other issues. Last night I slept, with chemical assistance, for 6 hours straight and got up feeling rested for the first time in weeks.
Reflections:
One of the things that this disease, or more accurately the disease and treatment, has done is to challenge a set of long held assumptions. This illustration is just one of many. In facing the future with optimism and hope, I need to be open to changing my frame of reference as I look at living life for today and for the future. Many of the old judgements no longer serve, the rules have changed.
What strikes me is that this is not true because I have a disease; it is true because I am a living and growing person. We all need to be open to new ways of seeing the world, new ways of seeing ourselves and others. We need to challenge our thinking and be open to new possibilities. Life is not static, and my new thoughts surround looking at ways to add joy and comfort to my life, not to be stoic or stuck.
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