A previous entry looks at the negative side of communication, setting limits and clearly letting people know where we do not want to go. As reflected by a friend, it talks about how to stop and avoid those situations, but it does not address the positive side of changing those behaviors and helping others learn. We can look at the “teachable moments” provided by someone who speaks from the place of their own fears and discomfort and we can give them the gift of awareness that will help them feel less awkward and more sensitive.
So how do we help others toward that awareness? First of all, we can take the opportunity to provide them with information from the heart. Letting others know what our comfort level is provides a good start. For example, I am very comfortable sharing my own feelings and details about the diagnosis and treatment. Questions about prognosis are more private for me because it is an area full of so many unknowns and pessimistic projections. If someone drifts into an area I find too intimate or negative, I will use a technique I learned years ago called “dismiss and redirect.” Saying “That is an area I don’t fully understand and am uncomfortable talking about (dismiss), what I do know is that this medication is considered very successful in my particular situation (redirect).” I’m fine talking about treatment, predicting how much time I have left is something I don’t guess at.
Another I’ve learned lesson is that humor is good. Being able to laugh and see the humor in situations is healthy. I remember my dad, during his last days with pancreatic cancer, telling me that he loved the nurses who came into his room with a smile and even some gentle teasing. Those that he found less pleasant were the very serious and solicitous. He wanted to enjoy life and part of that was not being treated as one who is dying, but as one who can see the bright side in spite of the illness.
Helping others understand that this is another stage of life, that I am grateful for the richness of the 60 plus years that I’ve lived so far and that I intend to look at each day from here on in as a precious gift is part of what these conversations can also include. Making illness a part of the life cycle and not a taboo or uncomfortable subject is my goal. If we can graciously help people see that this is the next step of a full life, that it is full of lessons and full of opportunity, then we are being of service. It is a scary time and it is filled with unknowns, but it is also a time of reflection, growth, and hope. That is the message that I would like to share.
Advice: That life is finite is something many of us do not want to accept or even think about. If you wish to help others understand that they can speak of illness and the final stage of life with compassion and sensitivity, you must be compassionate and sensitive yourself as you guide them to a level of comfort. Adding humor and changing messages to have a positive spin can also help. An example here is when a friend saw me for the first time with the “chipmunk cheeks” of steroid use and her comment was “Well, you have puffy cheeks, but you no longer have wrinkles.” We not only laughed, but it reminded me of how inconsequential those chipmunk cheeks were in the big picture.
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