Avoid the Negative Influences

July 12, 2011

Negativity and Know-it-Alls can make our lives miserable if we let them.  Don’t.   I suggested avoidance of those who might be negative in their focus, but, this goes beyond that level of relationship to the people who have at one end of the spectrum the stories with the theme of Old Aunt Tilly suffering for months and then going through the agonizing death throes.  The other end, and more benign is the person who says with an eye roll, “Well, they may have told you that your hair won’t fall out, but it will, just you wait til one morning your pillow case is covered with hair and you look like a billiard ball.”  This is just not helpful and it beats me why anyone would feel that it is either helpful or supportive to scare the pants off someone ill with cancer. 

In these cases we have to take control and do a bit of teaching.  For whatever reason, there seems to be some empathy block or other reason that people feel a need to go down a path that the person with cancer is not interested in traveling, and they may not have the sensitivity to pick it up even with very clear cues. 

Just the other day I got that hair message, almost with a sneer, “Oh, its going to fall out alright, it always does.”  I started with the research that says, “Expect a bit of thinning that only you will probably notice” from the website of the drug.  She was not impressed, so I switched gears, held up my hand (traffic cop style, “STOP”) and said, “You know, we seem to differ on this and my goal is to stay positive about it.   I’d appreciate it if you would look with me on the bright side and expect the best.”  That worked.   She smiled, caught herself I think, and the rest of the conversation went well. 

Another situation involved a woman who was clearly going down a path of intimacy in her questions that I didn’t feel that our relationship supported. Her questions were very probing and financial in nature and I just plain didn’t want to go there.  So, I said “That is just something I’m not comfortable discussing.”   She asked the same question in another way, my response, “I’m not comfortable going there” and again, I put up my hand and said “Stop, that is not a conversation we are going to have.”  She stopped.  We do not have to engage in those conversations and YOU need to be the one to control them. 

People are not comfortable with the language of cancer; they feel awkward and wonder what to talk about.  We can help them during these teachable moments to learn that there are ways which support and ways that don’t. 

Advice: As kids we were taught to answer questions because it was not polite if you didn’t.  Change that rule in your head.  If someone asks an intrusive question or is rude we have no obligation but to be polite in our refusal.  Then we can move on to another subject or end the conversation.  Set clear boundaries, say “STOP,” play the broken record if you have to.  You are in charge of what you share and with whom you interact.  Do not forget that.