How many times have we heard that phrase ourselves and not responded because we either don’t know what we need or don’t want to be a burden. My guess is that this happens all the time.
This morning I got to thinking about the offer of a friend. She called recently and had done some research that included sending me 2 very relevant and interesting articles. She offered to help with more scientific searches for clinical trials and information on the latest in lung cancer treatment. A physician friend offered to be a resource to help me make sense of the information that overwhelms me. These offers were very specific and so very welcome.
Family and friends have come to visit, invited me out for lunch, sent me books, painted a much loved picture for me, called, emailed, and sent thoughtful and funny cards. An early example of this was when, one week post-hospital stay, my dietician friend Pam sent me a huge frozen apple pie, all the way from Michigan. It made me laugh and was delicious, tho she might be in conflict with the National Dietitian’s Association. My friend Jack spent two days of his summer helping me figure out how to write this blog. My sister-in-law sent a care package of treats from Wisconsin. I have an email file titled “Love” and a basket for cards and letters, in them are notes of encouragement and caring. Browsing through these when I feel discouraged or alone brings me such comfort. Those notes are gifts. These are from people who didn’t wait to be asked, they just did it, whatever it was, and for that I am most appreciative.
My guess is that most people are like me, they don’t like to ask for help and they don’t know what to offer. It’s different to ask someone to pick up a loaf of bread or advice on a book to read. But to spend time with us, to help us through a tough time, that is not easy. I’ve never been good at knowing what to offer or to ask for. I’ve not wanted to be intrusive, have not felt that I knew exactly what was needed or wanted…so I often did nothing. When my friend Anna was ill, I hesitated to call because I didn’t want to bother her. I wish now that I had been there for her more through calls and cards.
The Lesson:
This morning was an epiphany for me. The Ahha came when I realized that so many just did it. They didn’t wait for me to ask (and I would never have asked), but just gave me a gift. We need to act, not hold back, when a friend is having a bad time. I cannot ever imagine seeing a call from a friend as a “bother.” Also, if you have a skill that you are willing to share, what a wonderful way to show you care.
I am not hinting for another apple pie. What I want to convey is the idea that if you have a friend in need, let him or her know that you care. Send that email, make the offer, but don’t be surprised if there is no response. If you think of something that you think would be appreciated, just do it.
As one who may have more needs as time goes on, I become aware that I must give up the pride in self-sufficiency and let friends know what those needs are. Asking for help will become a reality for most of us some day. When I put myself in the other’s shoes, I would love to be told what I can do, I would love to have that specific direction so that I know I’m on the right track.
Ask for what you need and want. Friends are not mind readers, and most have never been in our situation. Giving friends the opportunity to do something they know is valued will help them feel more a part of our lives.
Remember Jodie, we are all a part of your present journey. We want to offer help because we also want help along the journey and we ourselves don't know exactly what to do. This is a journey of friends, walking with one another, hand in hand, all learning together. All are teachers, all are students. This is a mutual journey with each of use moving at our special pace - together.
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