When I decided to write about this topic, I knew that it would be difficult. First of all, it makes me uncomfortable, second, it may offend. Regardless, I’ve decided to plow ahead in the hope that it also causes reflection and perhaps some answers or guidance. This started with a conversation with a friend who has also been diagnosed with cancer and he defined it so well.
The topic is the approach one can take with a friend who is having a difficult time. In our case it is the cancer diagnosis, but for others it may be almost any life changing event or loss. It seems that all of us respond differently, but it comes down to three or four general categories. One, is the immediate call and offer to help, get involved. The second, we wait awhile, then send a card or note and chose our level of connection. It may be fairly superficial or it can grow to something more personal. Finally, there are those who are too uncomfortable and pull away. For whatever reason, they are just unable to maintain a sense of intimacy and the relationship may be irretrievable. In our discussion, we agreed that this is probably less a function of wanting to end a friendship than it is discomfort and fear of the unknown.
As best I can describe, these are the areas we identified.
First are those who just seem to know exactly what to say or do. They don’t even ask, they just send the email or place the call at the right moment and let you know that they are there for you. It’s not so much that they know just what to say, but they show courage in asking questions and giving of themselves. It may be a book arriving in the mail…or a pie, or the friends that brought a meal, offered a healing circle, or a gift of original art. It may be the question about fears of the future, talking about those topics that we think about, but may avoid because we don’t want to make our friends uncomfortable. What I most noticed about the people who dove right in, is that most of them have been through a loss themselves; they have been where I now am in some way or another and at some level must know that what matters is the connection of the friendship. The sweet gestures are such powerful ways to reach out.
At almost the same point are those who immediately contacted me and asked what I needed, wanted, or simply offered their compassion and friendship on whatever level I chose. These are the friends who stay connected, from whom I always can count on a card or an email and know they are thinking of me. It may not be “regular” correspondence, but for both of these groups, it is a comforting reminder that they hold me in their thoughts and that I know they are there if I need to connect. Both of these are a bond that I hold dear and value every day, their names popping up on an email always make me smile.
Now this is where it gets difficult. I am not sure that I would have been in either of these two groups before my experience with my needs for this level of friendship. My excuse with friends who have been ill was that I didn’t want to bother them, didn’t want to call at a bad time. Looking back, it was also that I did not know what to say, felt uncomfortable, avoided the pain that came with the contacts. I would have done anything possible to help, I just didn’t know that it was as simple as “being there.”
At the next level are those who took some time to come forward and offered that “they just didn’t know what to say.” They acknowledged the awkwardness and either made an effort to overcome it or dropped back in their level of contact. A year ago, this is where I might have put myself and that is difficult to admit. For me, it was pure avoidance of the pain, my pain. I was avoiding my own pain at the expense of friendship and I am embarrassed. One of the gifts that the experience of these last ten months has brought to me is that old friends have become more a part of my life and I know how precious that is. To think that I deprived myself and others of that gift is very difficult to accept.
The final response is of those who have not made contact at all and have simply fallen off the map. I don’t presume to know the cause, it could be that they just don’t have time, but hope that they might someday find a level of comfort with reaching out me or to someone else in this situation. It saddens me to think that they might be the one losing out on the joys that connections bring; it saddens me that I might be missing an opportunity for deepened friendship. My wish for them is that they take the step and send that card, reach out. It could make the world of difference.
Lessons Learned:
I know that I’ve said this in many situations, but the risk of taking action is so minor in contrast to what we can gain. To reach out to someone and make that connection gives us so many opportunities to grow and to learn and to be richer. If you are hesitating to reach out to someone, do it now. It makes the world a better place.
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