Gratitude

This has been a week of being grateful, on several levels, for the small and large changes that have taken place in my life.  First and most important were the results of the brain MRI that I had on Monday.  Our meeting with the Radiologic Oncologist on Thursday confirmed that there was a decrease in both size and activity of the lesions in my brain.  Additionally, the swelling of the surrounding brain tissue had diminished.  For me, the metastatic activity in the brain is the most worrisome part of the cancer diagnosis.  The potential for loss of cognitive skills as well as visual/spatial deficits frighten me more than any other loss. 

Secondarily, this means that I can slowly decrease the dose of the steroids and hopefully decrease the associated side effects which include anxiety, irritability, insomnia, and the puffy “chipmunk cheeks,” among others.  Life will be much more comfortable, for me and those around me, without steroids and maybe, just maybe, I won’t be eating that big sandwich at midnight.

The second big event was the move of Gary’s 29 year old son.  Steve has been living with us for the past two years, initially moving back to save money for his upcoming marriage.  When the engagement ended abruptly, the living arrangement continued and ended with the gentle nudge of a two month notice from his dad. 

While I knew that a third person in the house added to my stress, I had no idea how much of a difference it would make.  The unpredictability of his comings and goings, the sleeping and waking habits that were very different from ours, a very different concept of what is considered acceptable in terms of cleaning up after oneself.  All of these created stress and often conflict, often between me and Gary.  Now, I am not awakened by the garage door or footsteps in the hall at 2:00 in the morning, I go to bed after cleaning the kitchen and it is still clean when I get up, if I had butter in the fridge, it is still there when I need it for making cookies.  For me, the absence of TV and video game noise has made the house a calm haven.

Now, for those of you who’ve had kids, this may sound very petty.  However, I have lived alone for 30 of the 40 or so years of my adult life.  I’ve never had to deal with someone leaving their shoes right where I walk between the refrigerator and the kitchen table.  I’ve never had to share public spaces of my home with someone who was not at least as compulsive as I am. I’ve never had to think in terms of groceries being gone unless I ate them.  Having this change has been incredibly freeing.  I will tell you that for both Gary and me, the stress level has dropped dramatically, just based on our lives being more predictable and private. 

The third joy of this week was the result of the chemo being less of a wallop than I feared.  While this process is rather a pain when compared to that little white pill every morning, it is not the horror I dreaded.  I understand that there may be worse to come, but for now I’ve had no nausea, my appetite has been good, and everything has been manageable.  Let me also say that the staff of the Oncology Clinic has been wonderful in addressing my issues the moment they arise so that things don’t get out of control. 

There is a lesson here for all of us, and not just cancer patients.  We need to speak up if problems arise, not to “tough it out,” not to be stoic or strong when we don’t need to be.  There are all sorts of solutions available to us and others have been so understanding and compassionate in helping me through the problems at every level.  My new motto is “just ask.”  There is no reason on earth to be uncomfortable when you don’t need to be.  People want to help.

A note on hair loss:  Thanks to so many of you for your comments.  It appears that I have an open and tolerant readership since most of you responded that it made no difference.  At this point I think biggest issue is just getting through that initial loss and then the dealing with the outcome becomes routine and relatively uneventful. 

Interesting feedback from a Yoga instructor regarding a study at Cornell on the topic:  … to this she added that the anticipation and anxiety associated with hair loss is typically the most difficult of the experiences--far worse than the concern for or actuality of disfiguration, loss of breast, etc. She also noted that the majority of her patients later note that once the hair loss begins, they deal with it and judge it to be far less traumatizing than they anticipated. We talked about women sharing their emotions and reflections on hair loss.  Cornell is in the planning stage for collecting anecdotes for women to share.  Interesting topic.