Some time ago, I participated in an exercise to examine our way of creating more joy in our lives. One of the questions asked was what we needed to let go of in order to get more of what we wanted, more positve energy. For me it is easy, it’s the letting go of the judging and criticizing that have been part of the way I operate for all of my adult life. That focus that sends me into the negative side and is the opposite of the gratitude and abundance that I want to invite into my life. I judge myself, I judge others, and I judge stuff. It adds stress to my life when I, or others, or the stuff does not measure up to my expectations. When people do not act in the way I deem proper, and when the standards that I set are not met, I can be nasty and bitchy. And, when I’m nasty, I don’t particularly like myself.
Lately, I’ve had two very clear examples of how errors in these judgments can be so wrong and so detrimental. The first involves a woman whom I’ve known as a fellow volunteer for almost a decade. I’ve always sort of passed her over as someone who is not very bright and manipulative rather that direct. I’ve spent more energy avoiding being manipulated than I have on looking at her strengths. The fact is, she is kind and generous and amazingly strategic in her thinking when it comes to the organization for which we both have passion. I overlooked that. She is very different from me, her gifts are in area where I have little understanding or skill. What I didn’t see is that she provides a balance that makes us stronger and more effective as a team. Why didn’t I focus on the tremendous energy and skills that she brings to the table?
Second is a person who I’ve seen as egotistical and almost toxic in a way that has made me want to go in the other direction if I see him coming, to ignore the call if it is his name on the caller I.D. My initial and standing impression has been that his sole focus is on himself and making others aware of his superiority, that he has no interest in anything beyond himself. Recently he shared a history of chronic depression and unhappiness that was soul wrenching. Why didn’t I take the time to see his pain?
It seems that I am not only quick to judge, but also not willing to let go of that initial assessment until the compelling evidence can’t be ignored. For someone who wants more joy and contentment in her life, this has to change. The stress of the negative focus is certainly not good for me, and the amount of energy I spend being critical could be put to far better use. So, how does one start? Especially, how does on start again…it’s like quitting smoking or changing any other ingrained habit. This is not my first effort to become more tolerant and welcoming of others’ differences, but I’m clearly more interested now in not wasting precious time.
I already focus on gratitude and have mentioned here so often that I am rich in so many ways. I am grateful and I am optimistic and I find joy in every day. But this is different; this is such a habituated response that I’m not even aware of it until I’m so far into the grousing and complaining that it engulfs me. But, perhaps that is the secret. Perhaps I need to take time to consciously examine my negative focus as much as I do my positive, the difference will be letting go of one and enhancing the other. I need to be mindful.
So, starting today, I will review and release those thoughts over which I waste time and energy, I will consciously take the time to see what positives I could be missing in the big picture. I will look at annoyances as being “my” issue and not the “fault” of the other person. I need to change the way that these thoughts are framed, bring myself back to the positive, and let go, just let go. Dismissing others as irritating and not worth my time is a terribly elitist way of looking at fellow human beings, finding fault in the way the carpet is installed and complaining about it is a waste of my energy (either live with it or get them back to fix it). For me, the idea of concentrating on a more constructive, positive path sounds like a much more productive use of my time and a much better focus for the mind-body connection. I will practice letting go. Starting now!
I struggle with those attitudes too! Time is so precious for each of use no matter where I journey is at. Yet, for me there is the reality that there are "toxic" relationships around if I like it or not, Instead of using so much of my time trying to cope with them (mostly relatives) I have decided to move on. I have little time to waste with such people. I do not think that is "elitist", rather I think it is a good use of the gift of time and love for others I have been given. For every hour, every moment I spend in such negative relationships or thoughts, I am wasting what could be healthy moments with other people or other thoughts.
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